i’m on ig.. not sure how long xanga will last.

instagram.com/notoriouslip

 언젠간 이렇게 여유롭게 살고싶다.

new profile pic is me at 35.

i like the picture that had been defaulted for so long. i like it because it’s the back of the head of a generic asian girl. i like it because there is no certainty to its identity. i like it more because it was captured in a room where photographs are not allowed in moma. i like it because it wasn’t intended, accidental. but mostly because the nameless girl let me hide myself in her for all these years, from my mid-twenties.

at a certain point in life, a person no longer searches–she runs. if she’s lucky, she has a purpose, a destination. if not, she runs regardless cuz she’s been hardwired to just run at that certain point in life.

i think i’m probably going to hit the wall one day, i feel it coming in the far distance. then the assessments will happen–my condition, my appearance, my identity. and perhaps most important, perhaps not–the point of arrival.

i used to ask people, usually people who were older than me–what is the purpose of their lives. i never got a good answer out of anyone. nothing that satisfied me anyhow. and changed the question to: if you could be anything in the world, what would you be.

i don’t ask anymore. i just run.

(figuratively, of course. i’m terribly out of shape.)

looking forward to next few days of freedom. my boss gave me few days off to cool down, decompress before the next big storm (she also handed me a passion fruit lemonade from starbucks first thing in the morning yesterday. so so sweet..) i’m pretty excited to go out for much delayed shopping. some essential items in the dresser need serious replacements.

been through some emotional rollercoaster rides over the week with several people involved and the funny thing is, i’m getting used to it. things get easier when you know what you’re dealing with and what you’re anticipating. well, at least i feel that way. spontaneity is not fun in my book.

so xanga’s probably gonna be gone in july, huh. i feel the echo as i write here anyway. things were so much different back in the very early ’00s but i’m also not the same. so it ends. might as well.

maybe i’ll pick up a journal tomorrow somewhere. i haven’t kept a journal in i dunno how long. hoping for a leather bound, cara cara orangey or pale pink in the shade of ranunculus that were very pretty last i visited d.c. but that may be asking for too much..

…

i took out the little prince from the book shelf today looking for the words i thought i’d find. “consequence! consequence!” i thought there was a mathematician the little guy visited, who kept on talking about consequences. i didn’t find that man. why did i think there was such a person in that book?

i like my job, i thought to myself today as i telecommuted. i like my job cuz what i do has consequences. i hope for the good and try to minimize the bad, but all of my actions have consequences. and they all matter. i like that i matter. whether i’m an object of love or hate, i like that when people at work think of me it’s never a weak feeling.

and for that, i like my lately (re)discovered potty-mouth. i like the fact that i’m expressing my feelings as opposed to the bottling up that i’m much more used to. but of course, it’s not professional and i should really watch myself–but i don’t think i’ll give it up.. for now.

…

july will be here soon. decades will pass in a blink of an eye.

consequences.

then,

the end.

my life revolves around therapy coding updates, diagnosis code discrepancies, delayed billing reason codes, hcpcs changes, adjusted billings, emails to departments, creating daily and weekly productivity spreadsheets, auditing 13 staff members, training, consulting, setting expectations, filling personal paperwork–not having personal time, being criticized over just about anything and everything, but to be fair, given the time to speak what’s on my mind so i can make sense of the chaos. given the opportunity to lead in my own way, to fail and to succeed. given the nods and thankyous from unlikeliest people. also dealing with backstabbers like a pro.

and hide all the frustrations so the ones i oversee can feel confident and succeed.

and over and over again.

the question that was given few months back was:

“Are you happy?”

…

i’m still answering with the word ‘satisfied’ mixed in, unable to say yay or nay. slightly tempted to add this question came from a person dressed in a suit who didn’t seem too happy himself posing the question, forced to do these “counseling” sessions as a part of his job.

doesn’t change the fact that i can’t answer the question myself though.

isn’t satisfaction good enough..

?

counting my blessings today. so what if someone wasted my time and energy, subjected me their stupidity? i was told change in my hairstyle is working for me, had a nice lunch where my friend didn’t give me a hard time when i wanted to pay, connected with someone i never dreamed of connecting with, and listened to a song that puts a smile on my face. often.

besides, i can crush this person anytime i want to cuz i know for sure that i’m in the right–such confidence is foreign to me but this is true. but i decided to be the better person because..

i’m not nice but i can be kind.

and i do what i can.

plus my hair is definitely working for me so i can afford to be more magnanimous than usual.

in the midst of damage control plannings and managing up (which i’m so grateful for) i was told i’m not to quit this week. i thanked my “little” boss for setting a clear expectation for me and we laughed.

today, i received an email from a fellow supervisor i met in training & connected with, saying she won’t see me at the supervision training completion celebration on friday because she took a position outside of the organization and this is her last week.

it is what it is (ugh, i hate that expression but there it is). since the training began we started noticing few people dropped in the middle of the training period. resiliency, good physical/mental health, and a little bit of sleep go a long way in this transitioning period.

also thick skin. a backbone. both of which i wasn’t born with.

no quitting. one week at a time.

“it’s not about you.”

i’d say that was the moment we reconnected. or restarted, i should say. and i agreed i won’t make it about me. she paused and moved on and those words stuck with me even though she spoke for an hour an a half.

stubborn taurus. she knew i’d be self-centered cuz i’m an aries. “my mom’s aries, you just like her”, she’d say. i’m also the youngest to boot. it’s ALL about me.

it’s odd. we had our small ups and often downs in the past. now we connect so well even though sometimes she’ll bring up stuff like how i threw her under the bus by going to the boss (i don’t remember but i can see myself doing that to her in the past). or the emails i would send that cannot be read in a nice way (i still write like that & can’t be helped, it’s the hbdi blue in me).

thor junior. tiger. chun li–but not chun li cuz she saw i liked it. she said i liked it cuz i can have a sexy thing goin’ on and that can’t happen. it’s also hr risky cuz it sounds like she’s sterotyping asian. so she calls me thor junior as she pounds on her desk with her fist. “that’s you!”

i dunno why we didn’t work so well like this in the past. maybe it’s the competition we females are supposed to have.

but she saw how vulnerable i am for the last few months as i made myself transparent, a total see-through. “you beat yourself up enough”, she’d say instead of telling me she feels sorry for my struggles. “yes, like a catholic priest”, i’d say and whip myself with an invisible weapon. we’d laugh and i’d wipe away my last tear. and i’m grateful for her to just notice. acknowledgment. that’s all i’m asking for as i carry my burdens.

i got tons of work this wknd, as i did last wknd.

“you’ll be alright, parker.”

i give her a look.

“yes, ‘says you’, you’ll say. i know.

when i told people i want to major in english i often was asked if i wanted to be a teacher to which i said no. why not, they’d ask. i said because i valued the dedicated teachers i had who developed me to appreciate literature, and hated the ones who didn’t even want to be there & just collected their paycheck for wasting my time (to this day i shudder at the sight of Good Earth because of my sophomore year high school english teacher). at the very foundation, it takes the desire and the dedication to develop the young minds if one wants to be a teacher and i didn’t have either.

nowadays, i’m being developed in being a leader even though i hadn’t have the desire to be one all my life. i’m not quite sure how i feel about that yet. for now, i want to be good at what i do so i do it–but in the long run, i wonder if this is ultimately what i’ll end up doing til i retire. it won’t be such a bad thing.. but sometimes i feel like i’m in a role i don’t belong in, like wearing clothes that are not mine & so naturally don’t fit me.. sometimes.

maybe i’m just anxious about developmental diet i’m going through (i.e. clothes that don’t fit). one thing i do like though, is that i see and feel the progress. it’s a good feeling.

today i laughed a lot. not that it wasn’t a crazy day that my days typically have become–but i haven’t had a day in a while that i wasn’t hoping i could curl up in my bed with a copy of hardboiled wonderland and the end of the world plus dream i could live in a world murakami creates. today was a day i felt like i could start writing for a sitcom with a whole bunch of characters people laugh at and appreciate. it was (pause for thought) a good day and i hope i remember at least the tiny but bright inspiration that i normally don’t expect from such a clutter of life i’m living now.
because tomorrow is another day and if i don’t hold on to the good memories, i may drown.