June 14, 2013

• "it's not about you."

  i'd say that was the moment we reconnected. or restarted, i should say. and i agreed i won't make it about me. she paused and moved on and those words stuck with me even though she spoke for an hour an a half.

  stubborn taurus. she knew i'd be self-centered cuz i'm an aries. "my mom's aries, you just like her", she'd say. i'm also the youngest to boot. it's ALL about me.

  it's odd. we had our small ups and often downs in the past. now we connect so well even though sometimes she'll bring up stuff like how i threw her under the bus by going to the boss (i don't remember but i can see myself doing that to her in the past). or the emails i would send that cannot be read in a nice way (i still write like that & can't be helped, it's the hbdi blue in me).

  thor junior. tiger. chun li--but not chun li cuz she saw i liked it. she said i liked it cuz i can have a sexy thing goin' on and that can't happen. it's also hr risky cuz it sounds like she's sterotyping asian. so she calls me thor junior as she pounds on her desk with her fist. "that's you!"

  i dunno why we didn't work so well like this in the past. maybe it's the competition we females are supposed to have.

  but she saw how vulnerable i am for the last few months as i made myself transparent, a total see-through. "you beat yourself up enough", she'd say instead of telling me she feels sorry for my struggles. "yes, like a catholic priest", i'd say and whip myself with an invisible weapon. we'd laugh and i'd wipe away my last tear. and i'm grateful for her to just notice. acknowledgment. that's all i'm asking for as i carry my burdens.

  i got tons of work this wknd, as i did last wknd.

  "you'll be alright, parker."

  i give her a look.

  "yes, 'says you', you'll say. i know.

  • 11:32 pm
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